Got a toothbrush?
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dear god my vagina.
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