oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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