I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
