Just fell off a train. Bad.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
