and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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