i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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