That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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