She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
