What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
