how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
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Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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