Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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