Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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