just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
