was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
