i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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