im drinking this country out of the recession.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
