I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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