did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
