man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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