Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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