I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I need moral support for this bender
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
