i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
