Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
