I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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