She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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