Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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