mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
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Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
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Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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