I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
