The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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