So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She needs sedatives and a leash
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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