Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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