I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
