i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
