he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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