oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Life is so much better after having sex.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
pray to the hookup gods
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
