Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
