I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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