I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize