So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
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Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
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did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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