I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
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I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
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Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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