Apparently you make a good broom.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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