tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
