Princesses don't give blow jobs
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
