I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
