Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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