Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
