how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
