All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We talked him into tasing himself.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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