you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
