Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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