Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
