When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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