I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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