Small penises have feelings too.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
