Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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