One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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