I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
