So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
