the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i think i scared a bird with my dick
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
