Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
two words...techno handjob
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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