don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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