forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
MIDGETS
????
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
