we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
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Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
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There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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