Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
